Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
