I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
