my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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