His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
