Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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