Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
