Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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