'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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