yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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