If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
one two three fourrrrnication!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
