Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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