Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
