eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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