They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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