omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
