fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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