Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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