I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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