Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
