Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
