It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
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I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
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You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
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