Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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