Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I licked your asshole in confidence.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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