just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
