you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
