apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
