Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
