Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
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Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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