Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
