4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
