you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
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Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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