I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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