Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize