walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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