I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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