I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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