I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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