Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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