im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
