Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
