Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
not ubering you a puppy
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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