I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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