I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
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Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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