Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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