mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
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Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
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I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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