she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You may now shotgun with the bride
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
