I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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