4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
