I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
