i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
