I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
