Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He has the fingertips of a God
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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