Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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