dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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