Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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