I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
