Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
