What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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